10 Tips to a Green, Sexy Valentines’ Day

metallica

Metallica. I bet he gets some all the time.

A guest post from my husband (if he were ever going to write one.  Well, sort of.)

Ah, the power of the words, sex and rock and roll.  Everyone wants to be a rock star.  Every since we were little, we pretended to be whomever is the fashion. Grabbing the hairbrush, toothbrush, or whatever would suffice as a microphone.  Singing in the shower. Standing in front to the mirror doing the dance.   My wife  even pictured herself as a Michael Jackson wannabe practicing his moves on her driveway with her sister.  (Um, pathetic.   Every boy’s dream,  Tammy Kitaen in White Snake’s video, “Here I go Again.”)

Well, as for the sex.  Do I need to elaborate?  Either you want some, pray for some, or wonder why you can’t get some. Rock star definitely  get some.  Enough to share with us, boys. So, how can you be a rock star in your own right for Valentine’s Day?   Try a new take if your old ways aren’t working.  How about impressing your loved one with being kinder to the Earth.  Heck, it might work.  Why not try?

So, how can you have a green rock and roll, sexy Valentine’s Day?

Here are my David Letterman Top 10 advice:

Tip #1, Buy Organic Chocolate:

People love chocolate.  Doesn’t chocolate put you in a good mood?  Some say it is an aphrodisiac.  So, if you want some, buy some.    Check out Green Talk’s review of  the organic chocolate from the Chocolate expo.  Add your favorite to the  list here or on the organic chocolate post.  Many of these brands are available at Whole Foods or your health food store.

Tip #2, Light a Romantic Fire:

Light a romantic fire with a Java fire log or a TerraCycle Fire Log made of  wax cardboard boxes.  (Way to use the 3 Rs with a little romance.)  If you can’t find a TerraCycle Fire Log, the grocery stores sell a brand of the same.  While you are at the grocery store consider buying graham crackers and marshmellows to make a smore.  You haven’t lived until you have eaten a smore.  Remember, want to get some.

Tip #3, For Her: Buy Organic Flowers, For him: a Power Tool:

Or Vice Versa, whichever works.  Some women like power tools and some men like plants.

Ask your florist if they carry  VeriFlora Certified Sustainably Grown Flowers or Rainforest Alliance flowers. Both organizations look after the workers, the planet, and wildlife.  Last time I was at BJs, I noticed that they were carrying flowers certified by the Rainforest Alliance. If not,  you can order online at Organic Bouquet or buy locally grown flowers.   Another option is purchasing locally a beautiful easy to care for household plant.  Don’t go for the seasonal plants that die after a month.  In my opinion, they are a waste of money.

With Spring just around the corner, consider buying a beautiful pot and arrange organic seed packages in the pot with a few small gardening tools.  Show them how much they have grown on you.  Couldn’t resist the pun.  Now, stay focused on the end game.

Ah, what can I say about power tools that hasn’t been already said?  A sweaty man/woman with a power tool fixing that leaking sink (reducing your water footprint), caulking up those leaking windows (your energy footprint), and putting down compost to help your lawn (reducing your nitrogen footprint.)  Hmm.   Mother Earth is just fanning herself right now.

(By the way, working in the garden works too.  So grab a Hoe.  In the garden, people, in the garden.)

Tip #4,  Cook a romantic meal:

I can’t tell you  the power of a romantic meal.   Get out the fine china.  No paper or stryofoam plates here.  You can’t recycle them and they just get added to our overburden landfills.  Real napkins and silverware. And buy food locally, if you can.   Most importantly, buy organic.  On a budget?  Consider buying the Environmental Working Group’s “must buy organic” Dirty Dozen of fruits and vegetables. Food is always the way to someone’s heart, especially a home cooked meal.

Tip #5 Set the Mood.

Who doesn’t love candles?  Every romantic movie you see, there are  dozens of candles  lit all over the darn place.  So, use beeswax or soy candles. No paraffin here.  Who needs chemicals  to spoil the mood?  The soot from paraffin candles contain such chemicals  as naphthalene, methyl ethyl ketone, toluene and benzene.

While you are at it.  Dance for your sweetie like Tom Cruise (Risky Business,) Demi Moore (in Strip Tease,) John Travolta (Saturday Night Fever,) or whomever you love.

Tip #6, the Gift of Time:

Who doesn’t need the gift of time? Plus, the added benefit is less consumption.  Less depletion of natural resources.

Think about it.  Wouldn’t you love someone to grocery shop for you, pick up your dry cleaning, run your car over for service, babysit, help with a project, and blah, blah, blah.  The list could go on forever.  Give your sweetie a gift of a few hours of time so they can do something fun or concentrate on their blogging.  (Anna would love that.)

Tip #7,  Rent a Romantic Movie:

Reduce your consumption, and use what already exists. Visit your local library today and rent a movie.   If you have cable or are a member of Netflix, just order it from the television.  Talk about lessen your carbon footprint.   To be  a better citizen of the Earth, make your own heat.  Added benefit? Reducing your utility bill.

Reduce your energy consumption further by turning  off the surge protector on the television to stop that vampire energy load. (Heck, if you have a Smart Strip, you wouldn’t have to worry about the television and its vampire sucking energy load.  It powers down the television for you.  Next time, buddy…)

Here are  a list of some of Anna’s favorite movies for some clues on what your sweetie might like.  Which are your fav romatic movies?  Everyone wants to know, so spill. Personally, give me a Van Damme movie anytime, but that isn’t too romantic.

Tip #8, Skip the Romantic Video, and Rent  Porn:

Now, I have your attention.  Now, there is green porn on the Sundance Channel about animal mating habits, but I am not sure if this will put you in the mood.

Everyone likes porn even Chandler and Joey on Friends.   I don’t care who you are.  Everyone likes porn.  Believe me, you won’t get through the first 10 minutes of it. (Hence, make your heat. Tip #7.) You can download porn, you can order it through pay-per-view, etc.  I don’t need to tell you how to find it and lower your carbon footprint, do I? Focus, Focus.

Tip #9, Skip the plastic toys and use el natural:

In  “Why Using Sex Toys, Watching Porn, and Going Green is an Easy Fit,” author Liz Langley interviews Sheri Winston.

“”When you learn how to use your breath, sound and movement to enhance your turn-on and expand your orgasm, you don’t require batteries,” says Sheri Winston, founder of the Center for the Intimate Arts and teacher of “wholistic sexuality,” which emphasizes breathing techniques, vocalizations (in other words, moaning as loud as you like and not caring what the neighbors think) and the use of the pelvic muscles to make your orgasms bigger, better, more…”

Think Sting and buy a book on Tantra. (Remember, the rock and roll and sex connection?)  Read about it on the web.  Watch it on  videos.  YouTube has many videos on the subject.  If you need that extra umf umf, make sure you use greener sex toys.  PVC and  phthalate-free.  See Babeland and Earth Erotics. Even Hustler.com offers phthalate free you know whats.  This is a G rated site.  Anna would kill me.

Tip #10, For More Tips, Read the following:

I am pretty sure I have given you some great tips but just in case you want more, read Anna’s Green Talk post, “10 Green Tips for a Red Hot Valentine’s Day.” This article is chock full of green morsels on how to have a green and sexy valentines day.  Don’t forget the section on green condoms.  Be safe and have fun.

So, what are you waiting for?  Get creative.  Make the Earth move tonight.

Wish me luck.

Remember, if you want to get some, you have to treat every day like Valentines’ Day.

Photo by Nick Ares (http://www.flickr.com/photos/aresauburnphotos/ / CC BY-SA 2.0)


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Comments

  1. 4

    kathyg says

    Bob,
    your guest post and creative ideas are quite impressive. Were any of your ideas interesting enough to pull Anna away from her blogging?? And dont make fun of the sisters dancing on the driveway….”pathetic” is such a harsh word!
    Kathy

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